Somewhere between enjoying what I have and being physically sick with my life, I decided to start fresh. It’s a process of stripping away layers of grit and soot during my short life. Details of who I am slowly emerge. It’s a delicate process much like restoring a work of art.
Cleaning the slate has been difficult. Feelings of sadness and loss emerge as I go through my possessions. I feel remorse as I post each item on Craig’s List. Why do strong feelings bubble up? Maybe each item insulated me in some way. Perhaps they hid fractured pieces and incomplete areas of me. They are pieces I need to fill in or restore.
Individuals in my life inhibit my growth or degrade my situation. Although I love them in some way, I have to let go. I need to remove the varnish that was meant to protect me but has led to the demise of the artwork. I can’t have them influence my life as much as they do now. They affect my decision making, thoughts, and feelings.
The past haunts me at every turn. It burdens my present. My future remains in the distant horizon. I need to make an extra effort and short term sacrifices to improve my future prospects. People revised the artwork to make it correct but took away the beauty. I have to clear it off and restore the beautiful artwork painted with dreams.
There is much to do. I need to assess what’s in my toolbox, what resources I have, and what needs to be done. The biggest burdens I want to wipe clean is my bad credit card debt, my issues with school, and people and things triggers something in me to pull me down. I want to make myself more resilient. I have to work on becoming mentally stronger, physically stronger, and emotionally stronger. I know I can get up from falling down. I want to know that I’m strong enough not to breakdown and fall again.
Cleaning the slate will help me rediscover who I am and what needs to be done to continue working on myself. I hope it will give me the sense of calm and understanding that I’m searching for. Moments occur when I am content and pleased with life even when things go a bit awry. Recently, I made a bone-headed decision while hiking and I was not troubled by its possible consequence. I took it in stride and adjusted. In real life, I end up seizing up and eventually crash. I hope to have moments in my normal everyday life that feels like my hiking trip after cleaning the slate and repairing the my personal work of art, myself.